I’ve had two incidences today that I’m left bittersweet about and another which will hopefully be the end to a friend’s troubles.
The first one is that my lover has been given the opportunity to work full time instead of doing agency work. His agency work generally meant that he was away from home 15-18 days a month, meaning that we were able to spend that time together without limitations except for our work hours. Working full time will reduce that to 12 days a month, he’ll stay in a share house rather than a hotel (so unsure if he’ll have internet access for us to communicate) and if I ever go to see him, I won’t be able to stay with him if he lives with work colleagues. He gets a fabulous pay deal and unbelievable benefits which is great for him, but I can’t see this being great for ‘us.’ I’m happy for him. I know that there are possibly fabulous positives for us, as we are both writing books, so we could escape and do writing retreats every now and again without work interfering with our time together as it has in the past, he’ll still make time for me when he’s with his kids and traveling for his voluntary work, but at the moment I can’t see it. I guess I’m not used to change. I know when he changed jobs last year, I was apprehensive and it turned out OK, but he now has less places to escape, meaning he has more time to be with his wife (oh, now you all know!!!).
The second incident was with my sister. She has a 13.5 year old son and a 7 month old and announced today that she’s officially having identical twins in 6 months. I’m happy for her too, but I just couldn’t do it. I know it’s her life, and I think we are all guilty of thinking about how someone’s situation would affect our life if we were put in their situation, but for me, I’m happy that I had my two boys 2 years apart, as I’m looking forward to them growing up together, being friends as they are and moving forward in their milestones together. But that’s what I want. It may not be what she wants.
In all of this, I’m afraid but yes I am guilty of judgment. Judgment that I despise in others about my life and I try so hard not to be critical of others and how they live their lives. But I’ve really lost that war this week, in many ways, and I’m sorry to those who that has affected. Hence the reason why I’m recognising this downfall in my own personality and wanting to be above it, turn a new page and just be happy for everyone who have achieved a milestone and stop thinking how it will affect me.
As for my friend who’s troubles are looking to the light for some closure, hers is now a very public affair getting newspaper and television exposure. She is in a beautiful relationship with her new husband, three children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, while her ex-husband has caused unfathomable damage to their way of life and she now has a chance to retaliate.
I guess in the end, everything happens for a reason and it’s what the universe plans for us to make us stronger, wiser and more humble. In the end, I love all these people for who they are and what they want, I just have to be there to support them in their dreams, as I know they do me…