Defining Selfishness

Posted by in Life choices, Relationships on September 28, 2011 0 comments

Why is it deemed that all men are selfish bastards? Because it feels right? Because you can never get them to do exactly what you want to do without any animosity? What is it?

I have a male friend who has a number of rules he lives by. The first one is everyone ultimately does something to satisfy themselves (or something to that effect). Essentially saying everyone has a selfish reason for doing absolutely anything. Some would defend that, and say, but if I give money to charity, I’m not getting anything out of it.. Aah, but you are! You are satisfying your own guilty pleasures by offsetting it onto the less fortunate, and this makes you feel better about yourself and any guilty act you may have done. It’s like you’ve gone to confession, and giving money to the needy is your penance. How many times have you given to charity, and instantly walked away feeling better about yourself? And in most cases, when you give to charity, it’s a tax deduction, so you’re getting that as a benefit too.

So, if this rule applies to all, it’s not only men who are selfish bastards, but women too. I just think men are more upfront about it, and women are more sneaky about it.

So, say a man and a woman are making love (she says ‘making love’, he says ‘getting a root’). Sex is on equal terms of neediness. She wants to be kissed and cuddled, lovingly touched and worked on to become essentially ‘lubricated’ for the event. He hears that the opportunity will happen, and he’s instantly hard. He wants to be sucked, to be able to thrust, to wrap his mouth around her breasts. She wants it to be slow, seductive and be in touch with her mind as well as her body. Somewhere along the line, they are both disappointed. But they are both being selfish.  But a true man (ahem, I mean a gentleman) will actually be turned on by seeing his woman physically excited about the prospect of love making, not so much to ejaculate, but intensify the experience with a mind, body and soul experience. He will embrace the journey of the love making, and not participate in the final finale. And for some, the final finale doesn’t even matter, as long as their woman orgasms wildly.  Again, they are both being selfish, but this time in tune with each other. Then sometimes, a woman will feel like she wasn’t attractive enough for her man to climax, even though he was thoroughly turned on by their love making session, and for her selfish reasons, she feels defeated, like she hadn’t done her job properly. Can you see what I mean, that we all do things for our own selfish needs?

Many of those in the service industry – doctors, nurses, counsellors, charity workers, gardeners, cleaners, tradespeople, etc, they are the most needy of all. They need to help others to make them feel good about themselves. They are dependent on being depended on. If they have no one to look after or care for, then they feel lost, lonely and mentally destroyed. It’s their joy in life knowing that they are essentially wanted and needed. They are the ones who tend to keep their kids staying at home until they are thirty-five. They are the ones who will be around at your house fixing a leaky tap when you don’t know how to do it yourself. They are the ones who, despite their own dilemmas, will reach out and help at a moment’s notice. They are the ones who have pets. They are the angels in this world. But they too are selfish, because they need to be needed.

Does selfish need to be a negative word? Or do we need to have a better understanding of compromise? Are those who can’t compromise the most selfish, in the most negative form, of them all? I would think so. Compromise and communication is the healthiest quality in any relationship. But so many things have to be overturned first before ‘compromise’ can come into the equation. People need to understand the difference between attacking and defending. That events happen because they happen, not because it was intentionally created to be an inconvenience to another. Some people can’t comprehend that what happens isn’t a direct response to making their life a living hell, it’s about fitting in with changing circumstances. It’s what life does.

It’s the ones who don’t serve others – salespeople, creative artists in any form, ‘suits’, etc – those who deal with people for their desires not their needs, are the one’s less likely to compromise. They are the hard and fast thrusters of this world, the ones who want the materialism and power, they are the ones who will pay for someone to be by their sick mother at her death bed. But some of these people, may have a ‘service’ attribute behind them and rise to the occasion when they are needed.

So selfishness, is it a good thing? In reality, it what makes us happy. If getting what we want helps us become more confident because we are happy, then it has to be a good thing. But it can only be good if there is mutual compromise and communication.