Was there every a time that you wished you took a different turn in life, how different would you life be now? What was that definitive point?
For me, I was accepted into two different universities. One in Melbourne, the one I took; the other in New South Wales. I applied to interstate courses because I was desperate to be away from the constraints of what I felt then, was the disciplinary ways of my parents. I’d just spent four years travelling an hour to school each way giving me endless freedom to ‘miss a train’ or two to catch up with friends instead of going home. I couldn’t revert back to a life of restraint and knowing or explaining my whereabouts every minute of every day. I just knew I needed to start living my life, for me.
The degree I was offered in New South Wales, was a Bachelor in Communications. I’d already spent a week in Sydney with a friend of mine in the middle of my final year of school, checking out the Australian Film, Television and Radio School, because I wanted to get into their prestigious Commercial Radio training course, but I applied for other courses in Communications and Media Studies if that fell through. I had to audition to get into the Commercial Radio training course and actually got to the second stage, but unfortunately didn’t get through.
I was keen to do the Communications degree and thought about all the logistics in moving up, the cost of living, getting a job, etc to make it happen. But then I met the future husband, started doing some promotional work for a commercial radio station with some radio celebrities in Melbourne and around Victoria, and the Melbourne Bachelor of Arts with a major in Media Studies all of a sudden became more appealing.
So what would have happened if I took the Communications course? How would life be different? I know I would be a stronger person because I would have had to fend for myself. But, that’s something I could speculate till the cows come home.
The other thing that was a definitive point in my life that should have changed my course of action, was when my ‘then husband’ confessed how scared he was becoming a father. He was afraid that he would be like his own father, and he wouldn’t know how to control his temper, what to do with a baby, what to do with them when they were older… I just didn’t listen. He didn’t want them, but I was so desperate to be a mother, and I wanted the two kids I dreamed about before I was thirty. It should have been my cue to get out of the relationship because we wanted different things, but I kept pursuing it because I was scared of being alone, I wasn’t strong enough to be able to see that I was being taken advantage of. I was also scared of not being loved.
I now realise that I had my boys to be loved unconditionally, and having them now, I have no regrets in the path I took. Life has dealt me some heavy blows, but I now believe I have the strength to deal with doing it on my own. It’s still hard because there is still so much uncertainty, but I know I can do it, because that’s the path I’m destined to live. And that’s what I have to believe…