I had an interesting day today that culminated into feeling good about myself, after feeling quite rock bottom.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve dreaded the ‘not knowing’ about a certain situation. Something that could affect my life for the next ten or more years as my children grow up and fly the coop. It scares me, no doubt, but I came to the realisation that all things happen for a reason and I have to make the most of whatever bad there will be and turn it into good.
My lover said to me yesterday that I have a whole lot of good in my life and I should focus on that. Yesterday I couldn’t see it. Today I can. I spoke to a motley crew of people today from the parking inspector, the school-crossing supervisor, a real estate agent I work with, a dear lady selling the family home of 82 years and one of my closest and dearest friends who popped into my life 18 or so months ago and has been a saviour in many ways.
The parking inspector, who has seen me around the traps as he finds cars to book and I comb the same streets to write up houses and pick up kids from school, etc, he said to me today that I look the happiest I’ve been for a while. The school-crossing supervisor told me that he’s lonely, recently cashed in his retirement fund, has sold an investment property, has a holiday home and his own home and totalled up his net-worth at around $2 million, but has no one to leave it to except the Lost Dogs Home… he’s telling a complete stranger his life story in an instant and it made me think, do I really have that kind of face that people just want to open up to me? My real estate agent, who talks a million miles an hour told me about her demented mum and how funny she is in what she forgets and how non-chalant she is about it after I told her about the anguish of my ‘not-knowing scenario.’ The little old lady was sprightly in herself, but saddened that she had to sell the home that her husband’s uncle built. We talked a little about death and she told me that her father died earlier this year at the age of 98 and that all her friends were jealous that she still had her Dad around for such a long time. As I departed, she told me that he hasn’t left her, he’s still around almost like she felt his spirit surrounding her. Her words were mystical and made me stop… And then my dear friend, asked me if I felt comfortable in my own skin. It took me a while to answer it because I thought about how I dress, how I run around the house half naked (and sometimes naked), how I get annoyed about the excess fat bulges around my body but at the same time think it’s part of being a mum and I even had a small flashback to when my lover told me a few weeks back that he actually loves my ‘muffin top’ which actually made me feel more sexy, so I said “Yes – I do feel comfortable in my own skin.” He looked at me, and said “There, in that particular moment when you answered that question is how you should always remember who you are.” He could see the spark come back to me, the smile come over my face and the passion behind who I am. A truly enlightening moment.
So the negativity is gone, the smile is back on my face, I’m feeling the love and recognising my own abilities in ways that I could never see in myself. Sometimes it’s just the culmination of many people, angels if you will, to show you that you are more than you are. And then it’s the work of a dear friend who brings it all together in a statement or question that rings true to you, and wakes you up from the bad dream.