Today has been a major turning point for me… A friend has come back into my life, a friend who means the world to me, a friend who left in such a hurry I had no idea if our friendship was a big fat lie and I had made it all up in my head. And by them exiting my life, I had lost the beliefs in everything that meant something to me. I lost the belief in myself and stacked on 6kgs in 6 months, I lost the belief in what was the right thing to do, I lost the belief in trusting people, I lost the belief in what the universe wants from me, I lost my belief in love, I lost the belief in believing.
I struggled to identify that I meant anything to anyone, besides my boys, without hidden agenda. Men repulsed me in almost every way because they all seem to just want to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, hence the reason why there hasn’t been much ‘sex’ in my ‘Sex and the Single Mum’ lately. I believed so much in this friendship, I believed so much that what we had was real, that I had found my most pure happiness, I believed that someone genuinely loved being in my presence every day for ME, and nothing else, and then it was all taken away from me… Nothing felt right anymore, as I was told just before they exited my life that I couldn’t be loved by my friend, I was wrong to be in their life as I went against all their moral and religious values. So as you can imagine, to be told that everything that you believed in was wrong, makes you feel incredibly lost, as you lose all your beliefs and question everything that’s important to you and how actually real it was.
So as my friend has restored the faith in other relationships, my friend has been able to find a way in a small way, to include me. They told me that what we had will always be special, that I am still loved and in another place and time, we would still have what we had. They apologised for the hurt and anguish I was put through, and they restored my belief in what we had and that I am special to the person who found the happiness within me. Knowing that, knowing that I could trust my own feelings and intuition, that I could believe in telling the truth and it would do good, is all I ever wanted from my friend.
As for the last 6 months, everything felt that that life I had when my friend was in my life was a fantasy world, and that I made up all the happiness that I genuinely felt, and I had no idea what happiness was anymore because what I’d remembered feeling when I was with this friend wasn’t true, it was all a lie. I truly thought I was going mad, to the point of not knowing what was real anymore. So you can imagine, how much of a relief I felt when my friend opened up and told me many times through the conversation that I am loved, and I am allowed to be in their life in a small way because our friendship means something to them too. I can now believe that I wasn’t making it up, I wasn’t fooling myself and that helping my friend find their reality, their happiness and what they were always looking for while we were friends, was what I was destined to do.
So I thank my friend for being a part of my life, restoring my beliefs in myself, our friendship and love and I wish my friend eternal happiness, as that’s all I wanted for them.
As a side note… before all this happened, I was determined to get myself out of my rut, and my friend has just made it a lot easier emotionally, but I started back on my Lite N Easy lifestyle eating plan this week (the one I lost 22kgs when I left the ex-husband) (btw, I refuse to say ‘diet!’), have done a beach walk every day and have lost 1.9kg in 7 days. No alcohol, heaps of water and small regular portions of food. Hope it all makes a difference so that 2013 is an unbelievable year!