At the start of any relationship, the lust overwhelms the love and the excitement is amazing. It’s in the discovery… finding out how far your partner will go, what their fantasies are, how ‘giving’ they are, how much they like to receive, what turns them on, and what doesn’t. You try ideas out on each other, some work, some don’t, but it’s all part of the fun.
You find out each other’s boundaries – some might like to do it in public, some might like only to be bed-bound, some may have a preference only for oral sex, some might be disgusted by it, some may like to use toys, and others just like the standard missionary position and wouldn’t know how to venture into something new.
I remember when I first started discovering boys in my teens, the sneakiness of it all made it all so much more exhilarating. Going to the back of the sheltered sheds in the local school on the weekend to sneak one in, at a friend’s place when their parent’s were out, in a back alleyway, on the beach on the way home from an evening movie, even having sleepovers at boyfriend’s houses (in separate rooms) and sneaking off to his bed at 2am to catch in a quickie. It was fun, exciting and so against the rules and it really made my teen years something to remember.
And then I met the future husband – 10 years my senior and so not interested in doing anything unconventional because he didn’t have to. He didn’t have parents to be wary of because he was an adult and could do what he wanted, so having sex was always in a bed or on the couch (and he was too short to consider doing it on the kitchen bench 🙂 ). Occasionally I would sneak in a little blow job behind a pillow while watching TV with a friend on the couch, but that was all the excitement he could take. So many times I would ask him to take a walk into a park in the middle of the night and find a place to do it under the moonlight, but no – “I don’t want to get dirty”, “what happens if we get caught?”, “it’s too cold.” He didn’t want to do it in a car, or have a play or talk dirty over dinner in a nice restaurant, he didn’t even want to do it at another person’s house, for just in case. All the non adventurous reasons to dampen a sex life.
In the later years, I even tried to watch porn movies with him to give him some inspiration, but he always went back to the tried and true. And it really wasn’t fun anymore, just methodical robots almost to the point of feeling like I’d dried up.
When he left to go overseas to work, he tried to spice it up wanting to see my breasts on Skype. That’s all he wanted – to see my tits. What the? Nothing to reciprocate, no mutual playing – just to sit there and ogle in his twin room with his work mate alongside. I wasn’t interested, what was in it for me? Was he going to start bumping uglies with his workmate while I watched? I don’t think so…
Anyway, enough about him… my lover and I spice it up with something different all the time. And he’s 17 years my senior!! He has taught me how to find all my erogenous zones in places that you would least expect them to be. So every time we make love, it’s so different. Not just in the way we do it, but in the places we do it. We have done it in a tourist parking lot in the middle of the day in my ex-husband’s precious Mercedes, we have played skin-on-skin at some top restaurants under the tablecloths, we have used food, we have been in a two storey glass-enclosed townhouse overlooking a highway making love by an open fire with cars driving by, we have spiced it up with lingerie and toys, we have attempted to do it in public restrooms (the timing was never right for either of us to enter the wrong bathroom) :), we have done it in a public pool, we have done it over the internet, we have had some amazingly seductive nights in hotel rooms on every piece of furniture, we’ve talked about venturing into threesomes and even sex text across the room in a workshop we went to together. It is so much FUN!!! So exhilarating, so passionate, so steamy, so absolutely unbelievably fabulous!! And I can’t see us ever getting stale… it’s just who we are together. And believe me, there are many married couples who even after decades of being together, still have that sense of fun in their marriage and sex life.
But sadly for most, it fades. Fades into monotony and special occasions.
I guess in the end, finding a lover who you’re compatible with is what’s best for you. If you want to be adventurous, go for it. If you want to be private and intimate, then stay between the sheets. There’s no rule book, but to create happiness in any relationship, there must be an element of fun.