Fighting to Say No.

Posted by in Relationships on April 7, 2013 0 comments

I mentioned yesterday that I had some funky conversations during the week. This was one with a 46 year old female friend who had been confronted with one of those scenarios we never want to get ourselves involved in and the authorities are constantly telling us it’s wrong, yet those perpetrators don’t listen, or genuinely don’t think it’s wrong.

Essentially, it’s date rape. Sexual contact with someone you know, someone you’ve allowed enter your life – if it’s a family friend, date, nextdoor neighbour, work colleague, teacher or simply someone who you’ve always called ‘a friend.’

The woman I’m talking about is very attractive with her long locks of silky blonde hair, tanned skin and long legs. She’s petite in nature, yet strong in voice and attitude. She’s the kind of person who invites many men to be a part of her life as platonic friends, as she finds men more interesting to talk to, than the bitchiness of women. However, when something like this happens, she turns to the womanhood to see if she did the right thing.

She was very unsettled revealing the scenario she was put into, but I told her she needed to get it out…. so she did.

She told me she went out to dinner with an old friend late last week. She said the dinner was nice, they had a few laughs and the food was beautiful. She didn’t drink too much, just a glass of wine as she had to drive home. Whereas, her male companion had a lot more, but she hadn’t counted exactly how many he had had, because it didn’t matter and she was dropping him home. During dinner, he told her that he had something for her, but had forgotten to bring it with him. He casually suggested that she needs to come back to his place to get it. She felt weary about going back, as he was the kind of person who had tried to take advantage of her before, and she didn’t want anything to do with him in that ‘light.’ Eventually she agreed to go back, but told him that she had to pick up whatever it was, and leave.

When they got back to his place, she held onto her keys and her phone, and hovered around the front door, waiting for her ‘friend’ to give her what she had come to his place for. He said ‘make yourself at home, I’ll be with you in a minute.’ So she walked into his lounge, still clinging onto her phone and keys and waited, sitting tight legged, upright, not suggesting she was open to anything.

He returned after a few minutes with a glass of wine for himself and lemon infused water that tasted like his stirred the lemon around with his sweaty finger. Uggh! She took one sip, and held onto it as another deterrent. He insisted that she relax and stretch out over the couch, as he sat on the floor next to the couch she was on, cornering her between the wall and himself… and then it started. He started rubbing her legs, working his way to her breasts over the top of her clothes. She said ‘please don’t, I’m not interested’ and he insisted ‘we all need a little loving sometimes.’ His touch came more intense as he took her keys, phone and the water out of her hand. She decided if she should pull away to the side or not, as that would only open herself up to him touching her buttocks and back and it may give him a sign that she wanted him. So she decided to say put. She insisted again, ‘no, please don’t touch me. I’m not interested.’ Where he returned to say laughingly, ‘It’s not like I’m going to attack you.’

She managed to gain the strength to get off the couch. ‘Don’t you listen, I said No!’ She grabbed her keys and phone, said ‘thanks for a lovely dinner’ and walked out. She was lucky this time, but sadly, not many are.

What she was most annoyed about was that he knew he had something to give her before they went to dinner, and it was like he set it up so she would go into the privacy of his home so he could ‘work his magic on her.’ She was annoyed that she didn’t have the strength to say, ‘I’m staying in the car, you go get it for me.’ So essentially she blames herself for allowing it to happen… compromising herself, when, after so many times of this man attempting to hit on her, she always gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though it always felt wrong to do so. She doesn’t know why she doesn’t trust her intuition more, and be stronger in herself to not put herself in that position. She’s never liked this man as anything more than a friend, but he always pushed the friendship boundaries, and she’s frankly tired of it.

But what was more shocking for her, was as she left, he said to her ‘You’ll want me when I’m rich next year.’ She looked back at him in disgust. She said ‘Really?’ And then he had the gall to say ‘Well at least my girlfriend Sally wants me.’ She was appalled… disgusted, could not believe what she was hearing. She had heard of this ‘Sally’ before, but thought that they were more off again than on again. But for him to say that he was still with her, yet making a move on her, it made her feel sick to her marrow.

This kind, gentle 46 year old woman got into her car, and burst into tears. She hated being taken advantage of by so called ‘friends.’ I told her, that if this so-called friend was actually a friend, he would respect her more, not come up with conniving schemes to get her alone in his house, and understand from the last time he tried to take advantage of her, that SHE IS NOT INTERESTED!!!

Why is it that men think they can try and try again, when women tell them ‘No?’ This woman told me that each time he had tried, she had distanced herself from him… sometimes it had been a year between contact, sometimes just a few months, but he still didn’t get the message that her door was shut in terms of sexual activity with her. She has got to the point that she has to put a stop to it, and the only way she knows how is to not be available for him ever again. As that will be the only message he understands.

It’s sad that friendships can be destroyed through wrongful attempts of sexual activity. Why can’t men see the signs that the interest isn’t there? It’s their own narcissistic need that ruins everything… there is no care for the woman, there is no care for the friendship and there certainly isn’t any care for strong overbearing force that an irrational man can place on a woman, especially when alcohol or drugs have been involved.

I feel for all single women, married women, single mums and even independent grandmas who are placed in these positions by TRUSTED friends. As, sometimes, it’s the ones you trust who are the worst.