Friends and Lovers

Posted by in Relationships on November 13, 2012 0 comments

Since the advent of Facebook, Google searches and other social media, people have tried to rekindle friendships from another era. They could be friends, they could be lovers, they could be work colleagues, they could be inspirational teachers… whoever they are, they are people who have touched our lives in someway. Once we find them and connect with them, either through Facebook, email or even in person, we love the fact that we have found them and that in a small way, we have them back in our lives. It doesn’t mean we want to rekindle a romance, it doesn’t mean we want to be best friends again, we are just happy that we know that they are OK and have succeeded in their life… well succeeded in their life to the point that they have ‘put themselves out there’ in the internet world to be found.

So when someone, usually someone who says they love you, restricts those who you maintain contact with, in fear of you rekindling a relationship or starting something that they feared may have happened then but the timing wasn’t right, what do you do? Do you tell them that no one, under any circumstances, will tell you who you can be friends with and who you can’t? Do you try to appease them and say that you don’t have feelings for that person anymore? Do you obey their every order? Really, with so many people having hundreds of friends on their Facebook account, how many people, from your high school days, your college days, your pre-married days, your post-married days and possibly your married days, have you kissed, had a crush on or had sex with? It would be fair to say, that on my current Facebook account, there are 11 guys there who, over the years (including my primary school crushes!) that I have had a romantic fondness for, kissed, gone to 3rd base with or had sex with. (with most being crushes!). And I would say my list is ultra conservative. And I know there are guys on my list who aren’t included in that 11, who had crushes on me. So for one person to say to me that I cannot have any contact with someone because I have had ‘feelings’ for that person somewhere in my 38 (almost 39) years, it’s just preposterous!

I can tell you now, that those 11 guys on my list live all over the world, are happily married and some are single but either they have no interest or I don’t (mostly I don’t!). But it doesn’t stop me from being friends with them from a distance via Facebook.

So why do partners get exceedingly jealous if they see past lovers on their spouse’s Facebook account? What is wrong with that? Are they so insecure in their own relationship that they couldn’t comprehend allowing their partner to even have a friendship by social media distance? To me, it is utterly sad that someone could be so controlling over someone else’s life to stop them having some harmless reconnecting and trips down memory lane. And most the time, most your friends on Facebook don’t even interact with you on a one-on-one level… it’s just a ‘like’ here or a ‘birthday wish’ there.

Personally for me, it would be a deal breaker. It would show that there is no trust in our relationship, no care for our own feelings and no respect for our choices. I would not apologise to anyone for having someone in my life because, no matter what, that person touched my life in either a small way or big way, and they mean something to me. If my partner, spouse or even child disapproved of who I keep company with, it’s their problem not mine, and if our relationship couldn’t cope with a little connection from a long-distant friendship, then there is not something mildly wrong with our relationship, there are massive underlying issues that cannot be resolved… especially trust. So I’d walk away… because you cannot have a relationship when there is no trust as there is no relationship without trust.