A friend of mine told me a story today. This friend, who is more like a work colleague studying to be a comedian, told me about his stripper friend. My friend is a 31 year old bloke, who has has been told that he is the most gay looking heterosexual man around, and who just happened to have previously worked in an adult book store so isn’t really phased by erotic acts. His stripper friend wanted him to come to her work one night just to have drinks and a chat. On the way home one day, he thought he would take her up on her offer and they caught up. They had a couple of drinks, she did her show, a couple of private lap dancers with men who obviously wanted to take it further, and she came out totally disgusted, saying
“Why do men think they know how to give a woman oral sex, but have no idea how to do it?”
Upon which my friend decided to arc up and say “I do, do you want me to give you a recount of how I go about doing it?”
So he told her, and she let out a resounding “Yes! Who taught you how to do it? That’s how lesbians do it!”
My friend didn’t let out his secret, and says he didn’t do anything to her to prove it….(a-hem… me think he was lying then!) but it got our conversation going to, it’s not just oral sex that so many people don’t know what to do, it’s also kissing, touching and how to make love.
We wondered why there isn’t a ‘Dummies Guide to Kissing,’ or why sex ed lessons only cover how to put a condom on a banana but don’t cover things like how wide you should open your mouth when you kiss, how much saliva should exit your mouth and go into your partners, how you should nibble not bite your partner, how much tongue should enter your partner’s mouth… all the things that should be taught somewhere to ensure you get to the next base.
Then I said to my friend, but sometimes you like things with one partner but can’t stand it with another partner… a bit like Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct” stated as her alibi – “I liked Johnny using his hands, I didn’t like anyone else using their hands.” I know I couldn’t stand my ex if he had 5 o’clock shadow on his face because his stubble was harsh and the way he kissed me he would leave a burning rash on my face, but I loved the 5 o’clock shadow and the goatee on my lover’s face – his face is just soft and sensual.
But I do agree, there is an art.. an art to the slow, erotic, arousing kiss, that can turn into the ‘can’t get enough of you’ passionate all embracing kiss that leads your mouth down their neck, kissing their ears and stripping off their clothes to reach their bare naked skin to let your mouth wander all over them.
We are all different, and we are different with different partners and I guess that’s what gives us our chemistry. But to be taught how to kiss, how to make love and how to give oral sex is a bit like being taught what to wear… we all have our unique ways of doing it, some of us like labelled brands, some like accessories, some are happy in a T-shirt and jeans. We all have our own triggers that make us feel really satisfied. Some people know what their ultimate orgasm feels like, others have no idea because they haven’t experimented enough, or hadn’t had satisfying partners to achieve their ultimate bliss, but once they do, they never want to go back… everything else isn’t worth it. So maybe, some sort of how-to manual might be good for all of us!