The difference between judgement and showing that you care

Posted by in Relationships on October 15, 2011 0 comments

I’ve had two interesting conversations with people who are close to me in the past 24 hours. Both people declare that they are concerned about me and want the best for me. Both talking about what I am going to do after I sell my house to finalise my financial settlement with the ex-husband.  Both had very different ways of showing their concern and what they believe is best for me. Funnily enough, both people were Capricorns – you’d think they would handle it the same. 🙂

The first one was a two hour phone conversation that didn’t involve any type of listening on his part, only remembering snippets of conversation I told him 12 months or more ago and using it against me. He rehashed information that was way past its used-by date, verbally abusing friendships I had formed when he hadn’t even met the people I was talking about. And I mean, saying the harshest things anyone could possibly say about another person. It was cruel, unfair and totally wrong for someone to pass judgment on people who they didn’t even know.  Essentially disagreeing with everything that I wanted to do because it didn’t suit him. I don’t know if it was jealousy on many different levels – career, opportunity or love interest, but for someone who supposedly cares about me, he had a very funny way of showing it.

Then there is the other person, whose conversation started being a phone call, then I spent five hours with her today as she kindly helped me move furniture around to get my house ready for sale. She understands why I need to do what I need to do, she asked intelligent questions to see if I had thought about certain issues, she knew that my reasons for looking into what I want to do was profoundly for my career and to give my children new hope for their educational needs. She knew that I had issues on several different levels that I needed to overcome and knew that I need to make a change to move on with my life and not look back. She was kind and considerate to my feelings, something that would never have happened 10 years ago with this person. So for that, I am overly appreciative and genuinely thankful that someone is hearing what I say, and caring about my well-being, rather than if I change my life, how it would affect them.

And then there is the other type of person… the one who have all the answers about what you should do when you’re all cashed up, after selling your home, your life, your soul, selling everything besides the clothes on your back. Invest your money this way, roll over your home loan into another place, move to a different area, live at your parents until you have enough deposit so you can buy again… really? Does anyone really know who you are and what’s best for you? Do they listen to what you’ve been telling them for years?

No… it’s very rare to find someone who truly knows how to ‘listen.’ It’s not just listening with your ears, it’s listening with your eyes and heart… seeing the mood swings, the desperation, the denial and the desires in their face, and feeling their thoughts through the passion in they way they convey their words. It’s not thinking about what you want to say after someone is talking to you, it’s listening when they are talking and giving them your undivided attention. Listening is an art, and not many people can do it well…

So judgment is conveyed by those imposing their lives on you – how you change your life and what it means to them; where as someone who truly cares will give you their undivided attention and realise that you’ve put a lot of thought into what you need to do for yourself and they will give you their support, no matter how much it affects them or not. They realise it is not their lives that it boldly affects, it is your life, and you have to do the best thing you can do for you and your kids.

I guess variety (of opinion) gives you the spice of life, but only you can make the decision that forms what you do with your life.