When do you know it’s over?

Posted by in Relationships on October 3, 2012 0 comments

Some people instantly know when a relationship is over, others hold on hoping that they will get one more chance. Some hold on for a month or two, others 6 months, a few even feel that there is always hope. I guess it all depends on how much the person loves the other person, or depends on the other person. And that’s the big difference upon whether the other person comes back or not.

When you love someone, no matter how hard the times have been between you, or the lack of possibilities to actually be together, and if the reasons for being apart are more practical than the love you have for your mate, you only think and feel loving thoughts for that person. You want the best for them, you worry about them, you only think of the good times you had with that person, and not the bad. You don’t have vengeful thoughts, you communicate when you can with loving words and hope that one day, you will either be able to be fulfilled with the love of that person again in your everyday life, or that you find someone who supersedes the love you have for that person. You respect their wishes for parting ways, but let them know that you will always be there for them, as you cherished the time that you had with your beau. You can get on with your life without that person, even though you know your life would be more fulfilled with that person in your everyday life. You always have a place in your heart for them. Your intuition tells you that your time with that person may not be over, and you know that you may have to wait 5, 10 or even 20 years, but whenever you reunite again, you will with love and compassion. I had that with my first boyfriend… we were together at the age of 14 and 15 for 3 months, and we broke up for practical reasons (too much school work, living too far away from each other, etc), but we met up again 3 years later for a chat, then again 6 years after that, and then 12 years after that… and now we communicate regularly via email and Skype as platonic friends, but we have always had a soft spot for each other.

However, if you are dependent on a person that you declare you love, you get defensive, vengeful, start calling that person every unmentionable under the sun, threaten their existence, do absolutely every single thing to destroy their lives because they have destroyed yours. Some people go to the point of doing illegal things and require a restraining order, others turn to alcohol and drug abuse and violence to both strangers and to those that they are dependent on, because they feel that the hurt will only go away if that can physically rid themselves of their anger. The dependent love, is not really a love at all… it’s a narcissistic need to be a part of something, retain the life that they got used to and get out of the life they don’t want to be in. They hold onto their dependent love in the hope they can get the life that they enjoyed back to where they were comfortable, even though when they were in that life, they showed no appreciation, no responsibility or no real love for the people or person that they supposedly loved.

I heard an interesting story the other day about a man who’s mother left his father because he didn’t fulfil her needs financially, sexually, emotionally and had an anger that was quite scary. His father couldn’t cope that his mother told him to just ‘go away.’ He completely disappeared and left his children behind with no contact and no money because he couldn’t cope with the loss. About 10 years later, the father decided to contact his kids as adults and apologise for his disappearance, hoping that he could rekindle his relationship with his kids and that he maybe able to swindle his way back into the life of his ex-wife. But the conversations always revolved about how he blamed his ex-wife for how horrible his life was now and how he wanted life to be back to the way he was used to. Twenty five years after they split, he was still going on about it, and he literally wasn’t coping, so he ended up committing suicide. A few years after his suicide, his son’s wife did the same to him. He didn’t want history to repeat itself, but in some ways, he was doing exactly the same thing as what his father did… he didn’t contact his kids, he didn’t give them any money until he was forced to and he never sent them a present for their birthdays, and he only wanted to see them when he felt he was ‘acceptable’ in his children’s eyes for him to be seen – that is, he would only see them if he had some money to spend on them or take them somewhere, because he was ashamed of where he was living and didn’t want his children to see it. He started to have online relationships with other women, always complaining to them about how his ex-wife did the wrong thing by him, how much he loved his kids, but the women thought it was weird that he never showed photos of his kids, had them over when they were talking to him or did anything to show them how much he loved them. One of these women asked him, when did you think your marriage was really over? And he said, when the property settlement was over, that’s when he was completely crushed. It wasn’t when his wife told him where to go, it wasn’t when she filed for divorce, it wasn’t when he had a chance to contend the divorce in court and it wasn’t when he forcibly tried to ruin his children’s lives by taking every single little cent from his ex-wife for leaving him. No… it was when they had no financial attachment anymore.

I do think men and women react differently when their significant other choose to leave a relationship. Most women subconsciously can see all the signs that their relationship isn’t working for them, they create opportunities for their men to do the right thing by them, but their men don’t listen, they don’t see the signs and they certainly don’t make any effort to make their marriage a happier place to be. Men would prefer to be unhappy but attached, or having a play toy (an affair) and being attached rather than creating a permanent end to a relationship. It’s like losing their Mummy. In Australia, 65% of all marriages ended were initiated by women, 30% of all marriages ended were a joint decision and 5% of all marriages ended were initiated by men. It just shows how much courage men don’t have to get out of something that they aren’t happy in, and it’s usually the women who know that they will be financially worse off if they leave, but they would prefer to be happy than worry about how they will survive.

You have to be in the relationship to really know if there is a chance to rekindle or not. I guess it all comes down to your thoughts… if you can only think of the happy times you had with that person, then there is a chance that you may get back together or at least have a platonic relationship, but if you can only think of all the fighting, struggles, hurt and abuse, then you welcome the knowledge that you never want to be subjected to that relationship again.