There’s the old adage, ‘if something is worth it, it’s worth fighting for.’ And, oh my goodness, have I fought some major battles over the last few years. And most of the battles I lost – lawyers won, Homeland Security won, my ex-husband won, schools won, banks won, my parents won, everyone seemed to win, except me. My lover used to say to me ‘the world 4,395,403, Suzy 0.’ And that’s what it felt like… like no one was ever on my side. Only those who have been consumed by divorce and separation can truly understand the heartache, the emotional stress and the unbelievable feeling of feeling worthless because everything you are fighting for is going against you, but you pick yourself up and keep going hoping like buggery that someone will just give you a break.
Everyday feels like a fight to me… fighting the school system and government to ensure my son gets the education he needs, fighting myself to get my book written, fighting my kids to just get things done around the house or their homework, fighting a losing battle against my weight, fighting politicians who say one thing then do another, sticking up for my kids when other kids are bullying them, fighting to get cashflow from my clients, fighting to get child support, fight fight fight… you always feel like there is that underlying tension in your stomach that won’t go away because if it’s not one thing your fighting for, there is always something new around the corner. The hard thing about it, as a single parent, is that you’re doing it alone. You get no support or listening ear from a spouse or partner, and no one takes on your problems like you do yourself… as they have their own problems. It really does leave you empty inside when you do it solo.
But then, after years of fighting, the tension starts to fade away. Is it a sign that things are getting better, or a false illusion with more fighting around the corner? But some of the issues you fight for start to fall into place… governments legislate to create new school systems that your children will benefit from, people start paying without you harassing them, your kids are willing to do their homework, child support suddenly appears in your bank account and even the tax system is on your side. Your voice is being heard by people that matter, and it just makes life so much easier.
We had two wins this week… one for us as a family, one for my oldest son. Finally, it felt like someone is giving us a chance to get ahead and do the things we want to do. Don’t get me wrong, we still had plenty of losses this week, but for some reason, the wins stand out like the sun is finally shining on us. Maybe the things we have fought for weren’t right for us at the time, and maybe the things we have been given this week are the things the universe decides we deserve or require to ensure our lives go in the right direction… who knows. Whatever it is, it’s making us feel less alone and less of a struggle so we can get on with things that matter – loving and caring for each other.