I will be ‘earnest’ about why I haven’t done the words of the day for the last three days… I’m scared about tomorrow. Essentially, my life changes tomorrow. I will be having my first ever surgery to remove my gall bladder. Which I know for many, it’s nothing, and it will probably be nothing but a relief for me, since I’ve had pains associated with it for twenty-five years, but still there is the fear of the unknown.

It’s scary because I’ve never had a General Anaesthetic, so I don’t know how I will go with that. I am susceptible to low blood pressure, which could be a concern with the anaesthesia, as the nurse suggested she will need to tell the anaesthesiologist. And it’s a little scary because, at this stage, I’m doing it all on my own.

Most doctors will say that you can eat the same foods, as before. Whereas internet chat rooms suggest everything from can’t eat as much as before because you get full more easily and end up losing weight, to gaining so much weight after gall bladder surgery that you’re completely unrecognisable. There’s also the worry about the post-surgery pain and complications… potential high fevers, endless nausea and vomiting, sharp pain in the right shoulder, a cacophony of pain killers (which can also cause nausea and vomiting), diarrhoea, seeping wounds, you name it, it’s a little bit scary. But then, most just need bed rest to make everything just go away.

And whilst I have dreaded this day for weeks now, worried that I’m not worthy to have people care for me while I go through this ordeal, I’m lucky to have some amazing friends who are looking after my kids and Dexter (my dog), I have some lovely neighbours who say they will keep an eye out for me, and I will have the wonderful nursing staff at the hospital by my side, but as a single mum, it kills me that my kids will see me at my worst and have to look after me, instead of me looking after them.

I know I am lucky not to have made it into a hospital, besides having babies, for all of my 41 and a half years. I know that I will benefit from the surgery, even though it will take 1-2 weeks of recovery. And I know I have the most beautiful boys to live for. I don’t know if I will be able to stomach my favourite foods, as I am a sucker for chocolate, cheese and anything dairy, but rich fatty foods aren’t ideal, especially while my body is getting used to having one less organ in it. I’m not sure if I can have my fun-filled social evenings with one too many bottles of bubbly up at the lake anymore… well maybe, but it might be measured in glasses, rather than bottles. So much uncertainty, yet hope for a positive future and hope for no more debilitating attacks.

So I’m guessing my next post will be post-op with hopefully some positive results. But I will be earnest… I will give you the good and the bad to help others going through the same procedure. We all have different accounts, different bodies and different coping mechanisms, and this one has definitely been a breaker for me… breaking me out of my strong sturdy self into a weak, vulnerable mess.